The recent broadcast version of the interview between Kelvin Davis and Paul Henry is generally considered one of the worst media appearances since Kim Dotcom’s “Moment of Truth” debacle and that one time Kelvin Davis got to do a press conference as Acting Prime Minister.
Today we can reveal that it was not actually their first attempt at an interview. Davis and Henry shot an earlier version but under the new “COVID-19 means Ministers get two goes at any media interviews” Prime Ministerial directive it was suppressed on the grounds of s.19(d) specifically “it was really embarrassing.”
Here is the unedited transcript of the first interview:
PAUL HENRY: Good evening…
KELVIN DAVIS: Let me stop you right there. I feel very strongly that the Prime Minister has told me not to say anything at all, or, if I do, to immediately challenge the right-wing propaganda of journalists such as you and pretty much everyone from Radio New Zealand.
Fact Check – Yes, my watch confirms it is evening. However, the question of goodness remains unresolved to date. I will leave that determination to the only poll that matters.
PAUL HENRY: The general election?
KELVIN DAVIS: No. The next UMR focus group. Wait, I am now being advised that I always meant the election and was just being sarcastic about the focus group.
Wait, I am now being advised that I was being sarcastic about being sarcastic as that apparently does not work anymore.
PAUL HENRY: So, Kelvin Davis…
KELVIN DAVIS: You finally get something correct! Kelvin Glen Davis (born 2 March 1967) is a New Zealand politician and a member of the House of Representatives who has served as Deputy Leader of the Labour Party since 1 August 2017.
PAUL HENRY: Mr Davis, that sounds suspiciously like your Wikipedia page.
KELVIN DAVIS: Indeed. I pride myself on my research.
PAUL HENRY: So, what is your assessment of the tourism sector under COVID-19?
KELVIN DAVIS: Absolutely appalling. Nine long years of neglect. Time for change!
PAUL HENRY: At the risk of being contrarian, you have been the Minister of Tourism for two and a half years.
KELVIN DAVIS: I would have to independently verify that claim Paul. Certainly, no one has mentioned it to me. Grant Robertson deals with all my correspondence. Lovely chap. You should ask him. He would know what my position is.
PAUL HENRY: So, you are happy with your promotion of New Zealand as an international or domestic tourism destination?
KELVIN DAVIS: Look, New Zealand is here, I can see it out of my window. I am here as Minister of Tourism it seems. Why should I have to do all the work? Show some initiative people! Where the bloody hell are you? Write that down – great slogan!
PAUL HENRY: And what about Maori education? You are Associate Minister of Education in this area.
KELVIN DAVIS: Absolutely in favour of Maori education. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. I will leave the technical questions to officials.
PAUL HENRY: So, what exactly would you say you do here Mr Davis?
KELVIN DAVIS: I found out recently that if something happens to Jacinda Ardern I will be Prime Minister. I always assumed it would be Winston or someone senior like Peeni Henare. I presumed I would be the designated survivor. Turns out the PM would be me! I had a go at it a few years ago for two days and I am told my one and only press conference is still being talked about today. How cool is that?
PAUL HENRY: Minister, thank you for your time.
KELVIN DAVIS: No thank you Mr Holmes.
PAUL HENRY: I am Paul Henry. The late Paul Holmes sadly passed away in 2013.
KELVIN DAVIS: Oh. Sorry. My interview notes must be out of date. I do not get allowed to do these sorts of things very often for some reason.
PAUL HENRY: Thank you for watching and good night.
KELVIN DAVIS: Thanks to my watch I can indeed confirm it is now night. Night.
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