Are you sick to death (OK, bad choice of words) of hearing about the Wuhan Flu? I can’t blame you. But, hey, everything has its bright side. Black humour is a great coping mechanism for bad times, so here are some bright spots of comedy gold amongst all the doom and gloom.
First off, this story is almost certainly fake, but I wish it were true. This kind of absolute savagery is just the sort of comedy relief we need, right now.
A Chinese-born American journalist claimed on Tuesday that she’d been subjected to a racially tinged remark from a White House official.
“This morning a White House official referred to #Coronavirus as the ‘Kung-Flu’ to my face. Makes me wonder what they’re calling it behind my back,” CBS reporter Weijia Jiang tweeted.
pluralist.com/weijia-jiang-kung-flu
Naturally, her legacy media pals chimed in with their standard, hair-trigger screeching and fainting over “racism”. Normal people, though, were as sceptical as they are of stories of four-year-olds uttering words of wokedom and making everybody clap.
In the category of things that never happened, this is the neverest.
twitter.com/BuzzPatterson/status
Being the useless idiots they are, journalists are parroting the Beijing communist line that accurately referring to the disease as originating in Wuhan, China is, somehow, “racist”.
Meanwhile, the Newport Police Department in Oregon posted some humorous advice to people panicking over dunny paper:
It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this. Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance.
In fact, history offers many other options for you in your time of need if you cannot find a roll of your favorite soft, ultra plush two-ply citrus scented tissue.
Seamen used old rope and anchor lines soaked in salt water. Ancient Romans used a sea sponge on a stick, also soaked in salt water. We are a coastal town. We have an abundance of salt water available. Sea shells were also used.
Mayans used corn cobs. Colonial Americans also used the core of the cob. Farmers not only used corn cobs, but used pages from the Farmers Almanac. Many Americans took advantage of the numerous pages torn from free catalogs such as Sears and Roebuck. The Sears Christmas catalog, four times thicker than the normal catalog, could get a family of three wiped clean from December through Valentine’s Day; or Saint Patrick’s Day if they were frugal.
Then, of course, there are always alternatives to toilet paper. Grocery receipts, newspaper, cloth rags, lace, cotton balls, and that empty toilet paper roll sitting on the holder right now. Plus, there are a variety of leaves you can safely use. Mother Earth News magazine will even tell you how to make your own wipes using fifteen different leaves. When all else fails, you have magazine pages. Start saving those catalogs you get in the mail that you usually toss into the recycle bin. Be resourceful. Be patient. There is a TP shortage. This too shall pass. Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper.
facebook.com/NewportPolice/photos/
It was a joke, of course. But, wokesters that they are, the legacy media not only have a humour bypass, they’re also completely, hopelessly addicted to fake news. The Newport rozzers were forced to clarify that, contrary to fake news headlines, people had not called 911. It was a joke.
We have not received numerous 911 calls about people’s lack of TP. Our recent post did not state we had received any such calls. It does state we do not want people to call 911 for their TP shortage. This is being pro-active and preventative, because we know from experience over the years that people tend to call 911 with the weirdest request[…]a half dozen or so new folks who didn’t recognize the humor and felt compelled to let us know our wit was wasted on them.
The Newport PD wrapped up with some more welcome humour.
Speaking of going viral, this may be the time to change the phrase. Any mention of viral these days gets people worked up and worried. Rightly so. We suggest instead of saying something has ‘gone viral’ in the future, let’s say “our post has gone burgeoning”. The meaning is the same, but with a less frightening aggressive adjective. We say this with our usual side order of humor. And let’s face it — we can all use a bit more humor right now.
facebook.com/NewportPolice/photos/
We can also use some fun and joy. Locked-down Italians have rallied in style.
Australian comedian Nick Giannopulous also noted that a ban on gatherings of 500 or more was disastrous for wog weddings. Luckily, Israelis have the answer:
Mazel tov!
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