The local paper in my home town, The Advertiser, wasn’t much more than a fish wrapper, but its court section was always an entertaining read.
Some of the funnier crimes to grace the pages of the “Yaddy” include the bloke who attacked his mate in the street with a swordfish, or the defendant who stole the VCR from the courtroom during a recess and was accosted running down the street a few blocks away. Then there was the legal genius whose self-represented defence on a shooting charge was that the victim had his back turned, and he thought it was someone else.
But, as they say, “only in America”: our local criminal cretins pale beside some of America’s least-wanted.
Police say an Illinois man tried to pull a fast one by giving them a fake alias even though his real name is tattooed prominently on his neck…When police questioned [Matthew] Bushman, he gave them fake name and date of birth in an attempt to avoid being arrested.
The ploy didn’t fool authorities, partly because of the tattoo on Bushman’s neck, which reads “Matty B.”
What is it about gronk crims and prominent tattoos on the head and neck?
Then there’s this:
In August, a Utah woman called police to report…[that] she was following a drunk driver. But the description she gave a dispatcher for the alleged perpetrator matched her own. She also described her own vehicle as the one driven by the drunk driver she claimed to be tailing.
Hernandez fled when she saw the officers that arrived on the scene. Police eventually caught up to and restrained Hernandez, who smelled of alcohol, according to court documents. A nearly empty bottle of Fireball whiskey was found in the car’s cup holder, ABC4 News reported.
pluralist.com/matthew-bushman-fake-name-tattoo/
There’s not even much honour among American thieves.
William Kelley alerted authorities on Sunday to report the theft of his 1992 red Chevrolet pickup truck, KVEW reported.
According to Kennewick police, a suspect riding a bicycle stole Kelley’s vehicle after passing by and seeing the keys in the ignition.
When officers looked at the surveillance footage, they discovered Kelley had been in the act of robbing a nearby business while his car was stolen.
Kelley, who already had a warrant out for his arrest, is now facing a burglary charge. Kennewick police are still looking for his truck and the suspect who stole it.
pluralist.com/kennewick-man-truck-stolen/
Still, even the dumbest American criminals can take heart that they might get away with it, so long as they don’t commit a crime anywhere near a power socket.