What happens when a motley clownshow of keyboard warriors, neckbeards and virtue-signalling internet attention-whores plonk their flabby carcasses in the middle of a warzone? Exactly what you think.

The “Volunteers for Ukraine” subreddit is brimming with accounts of people who have made the decision to travel to Ukraine, procure weapons, and engage in combat with Russian forces. Unfortunately, the vast majority of those who have publicly stated their intention to kill Russian soldiers have been assassinated, particularly after disclosing vital information about the location of these “legion” camps.

In the 90s, there were rumours of “war tourism” in the Balkans: rich people paying huge sums to tour the front-line under heavy guard and get their photos taken in sniper nests or posing with rocket launchers. During the Iraq war, a former “security professional” and a journalist charged tourists tens of thousands to tour battle-scarred Baghdad.

“Volunteers for Ukraine” is just war tourism with a thin veneer of self-righteousness. As tourists will, these “volunteers” expected to swan in to the battlefield, fire a few rounds (even better than Call of Duty!), take a few selfies, then scoot off home. Imagine their shock when their military masters expected them to stick around — and in fact, are making sure they do.

He revealed that there were also Canadians and Australians among the volunteers and when they refused to go Kiev that the Ukrainian Forces threatened to shoot them in the back if they deserted the operation.

“Me, this British guy and another American hid in the back of an ambulance to get out. We got to the border and there was a whole other mess.”

“They were cutting up passports and sending [volunteers] back [to Kiev].”

That’s how the military works, kid. Unlike COD, you can’t just log out when the Poptarts are ready. Trying to scurry off home is called “desertion” — and deserters don’t tend to be handled with kid gloves.

“Ctrl+Alt+Delete! Ctrl+Alt+Delete!” The BFD. Photoshop by Lushington Brady.

As for the Ukrainian military, they’re clearly well aware that untrained tourists with no military experience whatsoever, many of whom have never picked up a gun in their lives, are a liability. It seems they’re being treated as such.

“We were promised weapons,” an emotional distraught American redditor said in a video, “but they are sending is into Kiev with nothing.”

As it turns out, these so-called “legionaries” are merely human shields for Ukrainian paramilitaries such as the Azov Battalion.

“We were apart of the Georgian National Legion of the Hundred and Second Division of the Ukrainian Territorial Defense,” one volunteer said in a video.

Volunteers being treated as human shields.

“Our base got f***ed up, the base next to us got f***ed up — Americans and tonnes of British dead. They’re not saying anything, they are counting our dead as their dead. They are trying to send us to Kiev with no f***ing weapons, no kits, no [armor] plates, and the people who are lucky enough to get weapons are only given one magazine with ten rounds.”

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Am I wrong for laughing at this?

A Reddit volunteer in the Ukraine. The BFD. Photoshop by Lushington Brady.

Especially when these idiots are telling the Russians exactly where they are.

British volunteers have been blamed for a missile strike that killed 35 people at a Ukrainian training facility because their phone signals gave away the base’s location.

Whoops.

“Between 12 to 14 British phone numbers starting with the +44 national dialling code were visible to surveillance equipment a short time before the Russian missile strike on the Yavoriv training facility in western Ukraine on the 13th of March,” reports Breitbart

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Another legion volunteer created a thread on r/VolunteerForUkraine subreddit where he shared pictured of his camp to prove that he was actually fighting Russians in Ukraine. Sadly, his camp was also targeted and bombed by Russian Forces.

“I was blown off the top bunk of my bed when the missile hit the cabin next to me,” the user wrote.

I hope he posted a video to r/perfectlycutscreams.

To their utter surprise, these LARPers are finding out that war is, well, war.

“A medic died the day after he got to the front. Another [volunteer] tries shooting an AK at an APC and was killed immediately. A ten men [volunteer] team was nearly wiped out — 8 dead, 2 crawled away. Your body will not be retrieved from the frontlines either.”

“Sixty people with their heads on straight, including me, left after the attack.”

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In other words, they deserted. Great job, pal. That’s helping!

At least some of them have acquired an ounce of self-awareness under fire. A British man who walked out on his family without telling them he was going on a Boy’s Own Adventure in the Ukraine, now admits that, he was “more of a burden” and that he had travelled there to boost his own “ego.”

Tell us something we couldn’t have told you in advance.

Punk rock philosopher. Liberalist contrarian. Grumpy old bastard. I grew up in a generational-Labor-voting family. I kept the faith long after the political left had abandoned it. In the last decade...