Until vaccine passports arrive or they are made to wear the mark of the beast tattooed on their foreheads, the unvaccinated are difficult to spot. To the ignorant, they look just like us pure vaccinated souls. However, after much consultation with experts and considerable computer modelling, I have developed an easy guide to spotting the unclean among us.
Bad Haircuts
Being unconvinced of the super fatal double deadly danger of Covid, the unvaccinated are taking the risk of cutting each other’s hair. This is insane – they look terrible. Pudding bowl cuts, convict number ones and mullets abound. Rather than following the rules and letting it grow au naturel like the rest of us, these unvaxxed loons are defying the experts – hairdressers – and (after doing their own YouTube research) are attempting to cut hair. It’s not so much them I feel sorry for but the most vulnerable among us – their children. When schools finally open up (in late 2030), they are going to face some serious teasing.
Unmasked
As all we vaccinated people know, the vaccine is so effective that it requires the wearing of masks at all times. Driving alone in your car, training for a marathon, on a solo trek across the Sahara. AT ALL TIMES. Taking a shower, eating soup, making love…Because not only is Covid like nuclear radiation, flying invisibly and silently through the air to zoom up your orifices, it has precision targeting. It seeks out the unvaccinated first.
Even if this weren’t all proved by science (and it is – I read about it in the NZ Herald), wearing a mask is your social duty. It signals to other people that you too are a compliant bovine paranoid hysteric – you know, one of the gang.
Their Eyes
Your typical anti-vaxxer has tired, blood-shot eyes from staying up till 4 am doing their own ‘research’ on the internet. This is unnecessary; Jacinda and Ashley tell us all we need to know every day at 1 pm. Jeez, don’t these people have TVs? The internet is full of misinformation created by the same Russian hackers that caused Brexit and got Trump elected. And make Bitcoins TikTok on Instagram. I think I’ve got that right.
They Look Healthy
The unvaccinated have a delusional belief in the strength of their own immune systems. As if eating healthily and exercising ever did anyone any good. My wife’s second cousin’s tennis partner is a vegan ultra-marathon runner and he got Covid and his head exploded. So there.
Their Politics
Unfortunately, vaccination has been politicised by some people. Far-right people. And right-wing people. And moderate right-wing people. And a few centrists as well. Basically, if you haven’t accepted Jacinda Ardern as your personal Lord and saviour you are to blame. Vaccination mandates are not about politics. They are about forcing the individual to conform to the dictates of the state for the good of the collective. See, not political at all.
They Hate Science
The unvaccinated are anti-science. Expect to see them getting about in horses and carts like the Amish. Or the New Conservatives. They don’t accept proven facts like man-made climate change or that men can be mothers. Ridiculous.
They Are Cheerful Bastards
One way to spot the unvaccinated is by paying close attention to their demeanour. They are invariably happy and confident. They strut around unmasked, smiling and greeting everyone they meet. What’s their problem? Don’t they know we are in the middle of a pandemic? And that the appropriate way to behave is as if your entire family just died in a house fire? Shuffle about with a thousand-yard stare, masked up and not making eye contact, flinching if anyone comes close. Happiness isn’t allowed until level two, traffic light green, and only if you scan your vaccine passport first.
They Are Racists
Obviously, if you haven’t been vaccinated you hate brown people. Brown people are most vulnerable to Covid because of racism and because they eat and smoke too much. But mainly it’s racism. If you don’t get vaccinated, you could infect them with Covid. If you are vaccinated, you could infect them with Covid. So the important thing to do is stay away from brown people. If you don’t, you’re racist.
They Have Three Nipples, Slightly Elongated Earlobes and Tails.
The only sure-fire way to tell if someone is unvaccinated is to get a look at them naked. Then you will see they aren’t like us at all. But the buggers insist on wearing clothes. Vaccine passports won’t be enough. If we want to root them out from society altogether, we need some sort of trial….
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