You may have noticed the Electoral Commission’s ‘Don’t Be a Vote Ghost’ campaign designed to herd the indifferent young in the direction of the voting booth. Like all such well-meant campaigns by government bodies it manages to be both condescending and unrealistic.
As a public service I give you my own version which (I hope) manages to treat youth with the dignity they deserve while acknowledging that idiocy, if not confined to youth, certainly flourishes there.
HOW TO VOTE.
If you can’t work out how to put a tick on a piece of paper and pop it in a box, do us all a favour and stay home. Seriously. The pamphlet I received with my voting card actually has little illustrations of people (a hoodie-wearing teen, a woman in a burqa, a man in a turban) showing them how to line up in front of a table. Do we really need your opinions on economic policy if you have trouble with the concept of lining up? Didn’t we all get stars at primary school for doing this successfully? Perhaps school has changed since I went there in the late 19th century – now to atone for racism they let the kids into the class from darkest skinned to lightest, the Somali kids grabbing the front row seats and Gunnar Stefansson, the Icelandic exchange student the colour of tooth enamel, getting stuck at the back.
It would explain why the guy in the turban is at the front.
WHY VOTE?
Unlike our Australian cousins, voting is not compulsory here. But then they have always been an undisciplined lot, and if it wasn’t compulsory they’d all neglect their democratic duty and spend the day at the beach getting pissed and practicing their cover drives. Over here with inferior weather, beaches and cricketing skills we don’t seem to have that problem. To be honest on a wet weekend in September there’s bugger all else to do.
Of course if you don’t vote you can’t really argue with the result. As a young person you may regret it when the next government introduces compulsory military service for teenagers, extends the drinking age to 35 and makes vaping while riding an e-scooter punishable with five years in prison.
THE PARTIES
Their names can be confusing.
The ‘New Conservatives’ hate anything new, the ‘Labour’ party have never worked a day in their lives, the ‘National’ party are too cosy with China to be nationalist, the ‘Greens’ prefer all the colours of the rainbow be treated equally, ‘Advance NZ’ are so backward they don’t believe in science, ACT are libertarians so believe the government really shouldn’t and New Zealand First are coming last except for TOP which are right at the bottom.
Choose wisely.
MMP
Believe it or not, before 1996 everyone only got one vote. Now we have two. That’s 100% more democracy. Under the old system, the electorate vote and the vote for your local MP (who was probably your brother-in-law’s ex-wife’s accountant) were one and the same. Governments were formed on a simple majority of MPs. Now governments are formed by manoeuvring between parties as transparent as a DB Brown bottle and a party with as little as 5% of the national vote can make it into government. Electorates are so big many people couldn’t pick their ‘local’ MP out of a police line-up (in the case of Jami-Lee Ross, they may have to).
Yep, that’s 100% more democratic.
STRATEGIC VOTING
MMP makes strategic voting possible. Just think of it as playing Minecraft or Tetris with the future of the country. Or like an episode of the Bachelorette. Judith doesn’t look like she’s going to make it alone. She really needs a partner. You think Judith should hook up with David. In your area Judith’s friend and Jacinda’s friend are neck and neck. You could give your party vote to David and your electorate vote to Judith’s friend. You just hope they’ll get along and not break up over money issues in the next three years. You can also be a spiteful cock blocker and vote so that people don’t hook up – keep Jacinda and James and Marama from becoming a throuple.
Or you could just do what people have done since democracy first began in this country and vote for the party and the person whose views most accord with your own.
PROTEST VOTES
Some people like to ‘stick it to the man’ by purposefully spoiling their voting paper.
You are of course perfectly entitled to draw a large example of the male reproductive organ on your voting paper. But other than scaring the hell out of the elderly lady counting the ballots, you have achieved precisely nothing.
Something to remember too is that our grandparents fought against fascism for our democratic rights. I’m not saying my right to tick a box with an orange pen was uppermost in my grandfather’s mind when he was being shelled by German artillery at El-Alamein. It was more probably something like: ‘Oh Christ that one was close! Get me the hell out of here!’ But I’m also sure he wasn’t playing chicken with Panzer divisions for the right of his grandson to sketch an anatomically convincing John Thomas on taxpayer funded paper.
So have some respect.
And some maturity. Save the penis drawing for your mate’s head next time he falls asleep at a party. And make sure you use a permanent marker.
THE REFERENDA
Referenda are held when politicians need to make a decision but don’t wish to be blamed for it. It’s the ultimate in job delegation. You’d think on salaries north of 150k (at least) they could make a few tough calls.
Anyway, this year voters get to express their wisdom on euthanasia and cannabis smoking.
These are issues worthy of thoughtful deliberation. Something the young are known for. You might want to spend a little longer than the time it takes you to decide on your pizza topping at Domino’s.
Euthanasia might seem a good idea when you’re 20 and death seems far away; less so when you are 82 and your kids want to get their greedy hands on your three-bedroom townhouse in Mission Bay. You might not want to take ‘the easy way out’ then. You might want to make the bastards work for it – weekly visits, long pointless conversations full of vague reminiscences, sponge baths…
Cannabis legalization is worth some thought too. Not just ‘Imogen didn’t come through last Saturday and my stash is getting low, it would be really convenient to buy it at a shop’ but would it be good for other people? For example, ten-year-old kids in Kaitaia blasting their brains on sticky buds so badly they forget their times-tables. And their names. Forever.
But it’s really up to you. In fact don’t take my advice at all. Get blazed on Indonesian Gold, jump the queue and write ‘I am the Walrus’ twenty times on your voting paper.
Just only do it if you were intending to vote Green…
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