Contains crude and explicit sexual language
that is not for the faint-hearted
If you’ve ever thought New Yorkers were a bunch of wankers, well you’re about to be proved right.
The New York City health department on Thursday issued guidelines detailing how residents should and should not engage in sex amid the coronavirus outbreak.
Daisy-chains, glory-holes, orgies, even kissing are out. Instead, New Yorkers are advised to stick with flogging the dolphin and spanking the monkey.
Just disinfect the keyboard when you’re done.
“You are your safest sex partner. Masturbation will not spread COVID-19, especially if you wash your hands (and any sex toys) with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and after sex,” the guidelines said, referring to the respiratory illness caused by the novel coronavirus.
The department added: “Disinfect keyboards and touch screens that you share with others (for video chat, for watching pornography or for anything else).”
If New Yorkers must engage in sex with other people, they were urged to “have as few partners as possible” and to choose those partners from among their roommates.
Most important of all: don’t eat da poo-poo!
The department also warned, “Rimming (mouth on anus) might spread COVID-19. Virus in feces may enter your mouth.”
Apparently assuming not everyone would observe the moratorium on ass play, the guidelines offered, “Condoms and dental dams can reduce contact with saliva or feces, especially during oral or anal sex.”
A society that had to be taught how to wash its hands apparently also has to be taught the bleeding – or spitting – obvious.
Stating the seemingly obvious, the department pooh-poohed having sex, “and especially kissing,” with anyone who has been diagnosed with COVID-19 or appears to have symptoms[…]
According to the health department, COVID-19 has not been found in semen or vaginal fluid, and other coronaviruses are not be easily transmitted by sex. But the coronavirus is found in saliva and feces.
Truly, every day we stray further from God’s light.
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