Jacinda Ardern Explainer Editor:
Speaking from her Facebook NewsHub bunker, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern announced today the creation of a new ministry which she will oversee.
Hungarei Manu Waiata (Ministry of Holidays) will manage public holidays and create new ones as the need arises.
Firstly, taking into account UNDRIP (Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples), all public holidays will be referred to by their rightful Maori names.
Easter will become Te Hipiti Hopiti Rapiti, Christmas – Meri Kirihimete, Labour Day – Mahi Kao Ra (no work day) and Queen’s Birthday – Ra Whanau Jacinda.
Boxing Day will become Meke Meke Ra (fistfight day)
In a similar vein, the Labour Party is also changing its name to Mahi Kao.
ANZAC day will be abolished because of its reference to our enemy Australia and replaced with a week-long mourning for the Land Wars, to be called Te Riri Pakeha Wiki (the anger of the whitey colonists).
A week’s holiday will be declared to mark Jacinda’s wedding later this year. It will be a celebratory affair starting with the marriage and culminating with the happy couple DJing a nationwide dance party which will be broadcast to the world.
Speaking as the Minister for Child Poverty Jacinda Ardern also announced that all Easter eggs will be free to the most vulnerable and and those suffering from Easter egg poverty.
She also has set up a commission to report back on the need for free birthday presents, Christmas presents and the extremely worrying dearth of free bouncy castles for birthday parties.
The whole appalling inequity was bought to her attention by a five year old girl living in poverty.
“I was unaware of this disgusting situation,” said Jacinda Ardern, “but once informed I have quickly moved to put it right.”
TVONE will be running a five-part in-depth investigation into the whole matter.
Cultural Safety Passports to Be Issued.
Nanaia Mahuta warned today that all Pakeha will need Cultural Safety passports if they wish to go anywhere Maori may be present.
A series of hui stations will be set up throughout Aotearoa to inoculate against white supremacy, white privilege and casual racism.
The passports will be issued after a satisfactory completion of the month long courses and fulsome heartfelt public apologies.
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