While much of the world has thrown off mask requirements New Zealanders still trudge about looking like doctors about to be called into an operating theatre. There is vanishingly little medical evidence supporting the continued use of masks (if there ever was any). At this point it’s merely slavish rule-following, to pacify ninnies so traumatised by the Covid fear porn pushed by government and media that they can’t bring themselves to expose their faces to the world. I call this creature a ‘mask-dick’ and here are the twelve worst of them:
- The Outdoor Mask-Dick.
I can understand wearing a mask inside buildings where inhaling someone’s viral load is only an inadequately suppressed sneeze away. I’m not a hundred per cent sure of the scientific evidence (and if you have done your own research on the matter please email me [[email protected]]). But I am sure of the scientific evidence for wearing masks outdoors – there is none.
So those tragics taking their dog for a walk with a mask on (not on the dog …although I wouldn’t put that past them either) are as anti-science as the most loony of anti-vaxxers.
I’ve seen this type of mask-dick at the beach, walking up Mt Eden and in their backyards digging their vege gardens. What do these people think Covid is, a nerve gas?
- The Hazmat Mask-Dick
Actually some do, judging from the ludicrous contraptions they are willing to stick on their heads. I’ve seen replica gas masks, painter’s respirators, hazmat hoods and some heavy-duty devices I’ve only encountered once when asbestos was being removed from my office building. How it must feel walking around in these things, I can’t imagine. Actually, I can: sweaty, stuffy and suffocating. The constant strain on the lungs can’t be good. Kind of like the Covid they’re trying to avoid.
- The Alone-In-A-Car Mask-Dick.
The only excuse for wearing a mask alone in a car is if you are an Uber driver between gigs and you can’t be bothered taking it on and off. What the hell are the rest of them doing? Is their partner’s flatulence so strong it lingers hours after they have exited the vehicle? In which case that’s grounds for divorce, not mask-wearing.
- The Heavy Metal Mask-Dick.
Isn’t walking around with a decapitated corpse emblazoned on your chest proclaiming your love for some metal band with ‘death’ prominent in their title while also wearing a mask, a tad ironic? Would Lemmy from Motorhead wear a mask? No, he’d chop Covid into little bits and snort it off a groupie’s tits. Wearing masks is just not rock ‘n roll.
- The Incompetent Mask-dick.
If you are going to wear a face nappy at least wear the freakin’ thing properly. Wearing it under your nose shows that you are either A. a moron who doesn’t understand how human beings breathe or B. a moron just wearing a mask to advertise to others their abject rule-following cowardice.
- The Crusading Mask-Dick.
This mask-dick not only wears their mask in public with pride and a truly sickening sense of self-satisfaction, they demand that you do so too. They are the ones giving us mask-less freedom fighters the evil eye when we go about our business with our faces uncovered. I suspect they are just ugly buggers who found the pandemic a face-hiding utopia and do not want a return to normal where their physiognomic inferiority will be once again exposed. Well, I’m sorry but I’m no longer willing to deprive the world of my ruggedly handsome features.
- The Walking With An Unmasked Partner Mask-Dick.
Strangely (or not given the recent death of chivalry), it is men I more often see walking masked with an unmasked wife or girlfriend. But either way, it makes no sense – unless they wear their mask when they have marital relations as well. Perhaps these types have suspended all such activity for the duration of the Covid era – in which case it’s a double win for their partners and the world: lessening the chance of them reproducing.
- The Kids with Masks Mask-Dick.
Speaking of children, there is a certain type of mask-dick who, not content with hiding their own face 24/7, inflicts this stupidity on their kids. I hope when the kids grow up and spend years in therapy as a result of this, they send the psychologist’s bill care of their parents’ rest homes.
- The Cycling Mask-Dick.
These mask-dicks whip by you going 80 km/h down a steep hill, scattering pedestrians before them. Apparently, they have to keep up this speed or Covid will catch them. If I could catch them I’d try and explain the risk of dying from Covid versus the risk of dying from riding your bicycle head first into a tree.
- The Fat Mask-Dick.
Similarly, we have the obese chain-smoker who now decides to worry about his health. The time for that concern was several thousand KFC buckets ago, buddy. The only point in wearing a mask is if it stops you from putting food in your mouth. And we both know it won’t.
- The Fashionable Mask-Dick.
Take off your blinged up leather Gucci gimp mask you silly strutting show pony! You are colluding in your own enslavement.
- The Excuse To Look Staunch Mask-Dick.
These mask-dicks wear a black mask with their hoody top over their heads to achieve the fashionable look of someone on their way to hold up a bank. Then again given this Labour Government’s appalling crime statistics, they probably are on their way to hold up a bank.
Of course, people are free to choose to wear whatever they want – skivvies, mink stoles, chicken costumes or indeed face masks. But the rest of us are also free to ridicule them for that choice. And given the social cost of not being able to see the faces of our fellow citizens, it’s high time we did.