5am Woke up, ran 5 km and did 200 press-ups and 100 stomach crunches. Felt ready for a day of fighting crime on the streets. Then remembered I spend my days in front of a computer, snooping on people with the wrong political opinions. Went back to bed and slept until 10.
10am Started day by googling ‘People who hate the New Zealand Labour Government’. Laptop froze after returning 52 billion results. Rebooted laptop.
10.15am Facebook surveillance. Lurked in a farmer’s Groundswell protest group, on the lookout for white supremacy and terrorism. Gave up after monitoring a forty-minute discussion about silage.
11am Lurked in an anti-vaccine Google chat. Fell asleep during a PowerPoint display on R numbers and viral vectors. Lurked in a Neo-Nazi discussion group. Heard a number of racist jokes. Took notes – so I can share them at the police Christmas party.
11.15am Finally some success. A man in a Facebook group called ‘I really hate Jacinda Ardern, I really really hate her, yes I do’ has agreed to let me in on a top-secret terrorist plot. We are meeting in the car park of the Red Fox Tavern tonight after his netball practice.
11.30am Went to a morning showing of the latest James Bond movie. Took notes.
2pm Late lunch at a café; two sausage rolls and an apricot square. Old lady behind the counter didn’t check my vaccine passport. Added her to the state enemies list. A midnight visit by a couple of officers with Tasers should ensure her future compliance. When leaving the café saw a couple of gang members mugging an old man. I really hate leaving the office these days – street crime is getting out of control.
2.30pm Went through the bins outside Cam Slater’s place. Found several cigar ends. Through the process of deduction they taught us at police school, I decided he is a cigar smoker. Followed this deduction technique further: Castro and Che Guevara smoked cigars and they overthrew a government. Arnold Schwarzenegger smoked one in Terminator 2 and brought down Skynet. Therefore Slater is a dangerous anti-government revolutionary. And possibly also a time-travelling android.
3pm Went to an afternoon showing of the latest James Bond movie. Took notes. Wondered if our next funding round would cover an Aston Martin with guns hidden behind the head lamps. Made a mental note to make an application.
6pm Back behind the computer screen. Monitored Christopher Luxon’s Twitter account for signs of Christianity. Didn’t find any but did note a disturbing amount of criticism of the government. Added the Leader of the Opposition to our watch list of dangerous anti-government subversives.
6.30pm Investigated a website known as The BFD. Hit the motherlode here. A diverse group of writers, exercising their freedom of speech with an engaged readership of non-conformists. Very worrying. Did a background check on one of the contributors, a Mr John Black. Discovered he had two speeding fines and a late library book – The Illustrated Kama Sutra.
7pm Watched a YouTube video on how to make a false beard. Wore it until my wife came home but she recognised me straight away.
7.30pm Checked e-mail. Good news, I have made it on to the Prime Minister’s wedding detail. Now I have to choose something to wear. The little off the shoulder number with the daring hemline or the more conservative Versace? I mustn’t upstage the bride. I’m sure the Police Commissioner won’t mind me coming out as a cross-dressing, gender-diverse, two-spirit animal, foot fetishist – it’s how I got promoted to such a high position in the police in the first place.
Giddy with excitement, I didn’t have time to check a forwarded email entitled ‘I’m going to blow up the Sky Tower and kill as many infidels as I can – Allahu Akbar!’ I’m sure it’s nothing.
8pm Arrived at the Red Fox Tavern for my meeting with my contact. Saw him waiting at the entrance. Could tell he was a radical, far right, racist, homo-Islamophobe by his low forehead, beady eyes and paranoid stare. When I got closer, I realised it was constable Williams from the New Lynn division. He was running an undercover operation where he lures online radicals into secret meets – but all he got was me. Then we heard rustling from the bushes and out jumped two officers from the Pukekohe station. They’d been monitoring Facebook when we had arranged our meet. Then two armed defenders dropped from a helicopter. They’d heard a rumour that there was a meeting of a far-right racist homo-Islamophobe anti-government group in the car park of the Red Fox Tavern.
We all had a good laugh and then went off to watch a late showing of the latest James Bond movie – and took notes.
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