Sir Bob Jones
nopunchespulled.com

In the recent National Party leadership scramble, some journalists promoted the case for Shane Reti. I was puzzled after all he’s been in Parliament for seven years without making any notable mark.

Even more surprising was to read Reti’s credentials, raising the question of his sanity. Here’s why.

He has a Bachelor degree in Human Biology from Auckland university. Following that he obtained a medical degree and a Diploma in Obstetrics. He also has a Diploma in Dermatological Science from the University of Wales in Cardiff.

Outside of academia he scored a black mark by joining the Territorials training to kill people for a couple of years but offsetting that he represented Waikato in badminton for four years. Then came the first sign of severe masochistic insanity when he opted for running a medical practice in Northland for 17 doubtless tortuous years while also serving on the Northland District Health Board.

Coming to his senses he eventually escaped the GP horror and accepted a fellowship to Harvard where he picked up more academic trophies.

At this stage, probably attributable to the mental scarring from the 17 years as a GP which should drive the most reasonable bugger stark raving mad, full lunacy set in and he opted for politics but not before, according to the Stuff site, so the accuracy is questionable, obtaining a bloody accountancy degree for God’s sake; surely overwhelming evidence of serious insanity.

This is weird. Politics is usually the domain of the unaccomplished which plainly Reti is not. Furthermore, he’s clearly unsuited for such a role after his appalling heresy of stating the blame for Maori obesity lies with themselves. For God’s sake, he’s obviously not a modern man. Hasn’t he heard of colonialism?

Yet contradictorily came an out-of-character burst of sanity when having been brought up a Mormon, he abandoned superstition.

My layman’s view is Reti is potentially a dangerous threat to his Parliamentary colleagues. After all, he’s evidently a bloke that seeks variety in his life for which I commend him. Nevertheless, with time of the essence his next career option is likely to be an extreme change.

The mind boggles at the possibilities. He could go down in history as Parliament’s first mass murderer by obtaining an automatic rifle and applying his Territorials acquired skills, spraying the government benches.

Or if that doesn’t take his fancy he could pull stumps on politics and given his athletic abilities, join the NZ Ballet. Furthermore, he could join as a ballerina by fashionably coming out as a trans.

I shall await his next move with intense interest. However, a word of caution to him. Should he opt for machine-gunning the government Front Bench then pay particular attention to nailing Jacinda. Imagine if he missed her. The hugging potential with the survivors would see her in office for the rest of her life.

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The Potentially Dangerous Shane Reti
Bob Jones

Bob Jones

Sir Robert ‘Bob’ Jones — now New Zealand’s largest private office building owner in Wellington and Auckland, and with substantial holdings in Sydney and Glasgow, totalling in excess of two billion...