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Health System Tune-up

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Satire

Labour Thinking Explainer Editor

In a Tik Tok broadcast from his sickbed, The Minister for Health Andrew Little, announced today, major changes to the way surgical procedures will be handled in Aotearoa.

“It has come to my notice”, he said, “that due to the world-leading lock-outs, lock-ins and lockdowns we imposed to combat the certain death for everyone by covid, hundreds of thousands of medical procedures were postponed causing a massive waiting list.”

“Most DHB’s have not handled this well which has expedited the need for the government to step in and run the entire health system.

“Our past successes in managing housing, public transport, border control and all the other win-wins of this progressive government can give the population confidence in us moving forward.”

“So with an abundance of haste, I am putting in place a world-leading system to fix health in Aotearoa.”

It has been devised by the best top brains this country has to offer – my good self and of course Jacinda – who I might add is recognised as the world’s premium thinker by women’s magazines everywhere – it will match our world first, world-leading, MIQ system.”

“A $200m website will be rolled out a week after vaccine passports have been issued. No expense is being spare for Jacinda’s team of 5 million.”

“The health ministry’s virtual waiting room for operations will be part of the newly minted Managed Surgical Procedures Allocation System.

“Once people arrive on the website and log in, the waiting room will randomise people into a queue, and gradually allow people through the website to secure an operating theatre.”

“The waiting room will create a level playing field for people desperately trying to access an operation. There is no limit on how many people can wait in the waiting room or how many operations you need.

A successfully treated patient under the new system. Photoshopped image credit HangonaMin. The BFD.

“The waiting room means that we will be able to announce in advance when operation theatre releases are happening. We will do this live on Jacinda’s personal news outlet – TV ONE.”

“The timing is dependent on what is happening in the broader COVID-19 environment, climate change and Jacinda’s wedding. “

“You need to complete the following actions well before the waiting room opens – do not leave this until the last moment.”

“Create an account on the Managed Surgical Procedures Allocation System website and give all your details including your vaccine passport number.”

Preferably have it tattooed on your forehead so if you are granted a theatre, mix-ups cannot occur in pre-op.”

“If multiple members in a family, need an operation only one account is necessary”.

“To speed things up, all having the same operation is preferable and may become mandatory in the future.”

“As the traffic light system will be operating, ensure you have a driver who has all the documentation to allow you to pass through the roadblocks stationed between the different towns, cities and suburbs across the motu – which may be at green, amber or red depending on the abundance of considered wisdom from Jacinda.”

“Let’s do this.”

Jacinda Ardern Explainer Editor:

Rumours that Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern had been missing in action for days have proved to be correct by The Woke Examiner’s extensive team of top fact-checkers.

Trusted sources close to Clarke Gayford confirmed, that, after days of searching, the Prime Minister was found in the backyard of government house dressed as Wonder Woman, bouncing up and down on Neve’s bouncy castle screaming: I will be number one, I will be number one.

Skilled, caring, judicious application of a rubber mallet to the head by Gayford and a good talking to from Helen Clark restored order.

Jacinda Ardern is now resting after having her loins girdled in preparation for her triumphal return to Auckland.


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