Labour Government Spending Explainer Editor:
$10 million has been allocated to a group of top expert modellers to predict the spread of hero syndrome, which is racing like a wildfire virus through the nation’s experts, celebrities, politicians, talkback hosts, cartoonists and journalists.
The hero syndrome describes the behaviour of a person seeking heroism or recognition, usually by creating or exaggerating a harmful situation which they then can resolve. The term has been used to describe the behaviour of civil servants, such as firefighters, nurses, police officers, security guards and politicians. Reasons for this kind of behaviour often vary.
In a US federal study of more than 75 firefighter arsonists, the most common reason cited for starting the fire was simply the excitement of putting it out, not to cause harm or exact revenge.
The study does not imply the syndrome is being deliberately spread.
The group of modellers is headed by professors Thick, Short and Planks. The three will investigate how far and quickly the hero syndrome will spread in the general population.
A spokes-them-they-person for the three professors said initial modelling shows it spreading to hundreds of thousands but more funding will be needed for ongoing research.
In a world-first, another team of highly trained top expert professors has been quickly cobbled together to fight this syndrome threat once they know the size of it.
Speaking at an emergency news briefing from the podium of truth while wearing industrial-grade earmuffs, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said, “Let me make this quite clear, first advice has been that everyone needs to wear earplugs or muffs – especially when listening to the evening news or talkback hosts.
“This will be compulsory until further notice.
“Those with hearing aids are advised to discontinue using them until they are given the all clear which will be in the form of wailing sirens similar to tsunami ones.
“People are requested not to move to higher ground unless instructed to do so by those who can hear.
“All government-funded digital news sites are to be locked down until the curve is flattened.
“Be kind, don’t listen”.
Let-Me-Make-This-Quite-Clear-Explainer Editor:
A jovial Covid-19 Minister Chris Hipkins, in between sips from his latest mug, inscribed Grab them by the pussy, announced today from the podium of truth that all tinny houses and ‘pop-up’ brothels are required to have sign-in facilities and QR codes prominently displayed to halt the rapid spread of the delta variant amongst the most vulnerable and marginalised in Aotearoa.
People’s privacy is assured, he said.
Honours Explainer Editor
A reliable source within government, speaking to The Woke Examiner, has intimated that a prominent gang member is to be awarded a knighthood in the New Year’s honours list – which incidentally has been moved to Matariki (Maori New Year).
The honour is thought to be for his services to pharmaceutical distribution and the Labour party.
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