John Black
stuffednz.net

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Satire

In an act of public-spiritedness, I conducted a phone interview with well-known science explainer Dr Suzee Piles to ask her some Covid-19 questions. Dr Suzee is a university professor with research interests that include trans-sexualism in white rats, Maori astrophysics and hysterical catastrophizing for political purposes.

How dangerous is Covid-19?

Covid-19 is very, very dangerous. Actually, I’d like to add an extra ‘very’ there if I may. I’m not going to bother you with facts and figures or boring things like mortality rates. I just want to make it clear that it is dangerous. Very dangerous. And you should be very, very scared.

It is the third most serious challenge facing humanity after climate change and the Twitter abuse of prominent female scientists.

How much worse is the Delta strain?

You mean, to give it its scientific name, ‘super-dooper-ultra-mega-killer 405’?

Not worse at all.

How is Covid-19 spread?

Through body fluids but not the fun ones – snot, saliva and’ loogies’. However, research at the University of Calcutta suggests it has recently developed the ability to fly through walls. This is worrying as our quarantine set up relies on it not flying through walls. It is certainly mutating into a much smarter virus. Some reports suggest it is even dressing up as pizza delivery men. Be on your guard; a simple way to tell the difference is to ask for change from a twenty dollar note: if you get the correct change, it is definitely Covid-19. As I said, it is a very smart virus.

Can Covid-19 make my manhood shrivel and my testicles explode?

Make your testicles explode? How ridiculous. This just shows people’s ignorance of science.

It can however make your penis shrink by up to 40%.

How effective are masks in stopping the spread of the virus?

They are vital. Please wear a mask at all times. Taking a shower, sleeping, pig hunting alone in the Ureweras. Wearing two masks is better than one. But two is not as good as three. The best of all, of course, is wearing a bin liner over your head.

Sorry, but that sounds nuts.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. Poke some eye holes in it first.

Surely you don’t mean wear a mask at all times? How can you wear a mask when exercising? Have you ever run 10km with a mask on?

Do I look like I’ve ever run anywhere? Look why don’t people just stay home watch Netflix, eat KFC and drink wine. It will be much better for their health.

You are a proponent of lockdowns?

Yes, I am. I’d like them to be extended. At least until I’ve finished my box set of The Handmaid’s Tale.

Do you accept that they have negative effects for many people?

What negatives? You don’t have to go into work, you get to try exciting new vegan quiche recipes, you have plenty of time to relax in your five-bedroom Ponsonby villa. Plus workplace sexual harassment is at an all-time low. Lockdowns are fantastic.

Not so much for working-class people or business owners.

Sorry, I don’t have a data set on anyone not in my immediate social circle.

If we have to have lockdowns, why not just lock down the vulnerable and let the rest of us get on with it?

That’s not the team of 5 million approach. Besides Maori, Pacifica and women will suffer.

But don’t men die from Covid at a higher rate than women?

Yes. But we in the female science community don’t wish to highlight that. It seems fair recompense for manspreading and all the ironing our mothers had to do.

Is preventing Covid deaths worth any price?

Not quite. If soy milk supplies were ever disrupted, that would be too much. I need my double de-caff soy Frappuccino in the morning.

Over 300 people die on our roads every year, but we don’t ban cars.

We should. I ride an e-scooter.

How about alcohol. It causes countless deaths-

Ban it. Except for chardonnay and baileys, obviously.

Vaccinations were our way out of this. We were told we were ‘at the front of the queue ’ and yet barely 19% of us have been vaccinated.

We were at the front of the queue…the queue to give our vaccine to other countries.

Great. I hope they’re grateful.

Don’t you care about the hill tribe shepherds of Mozambique?

I care about my grandmother more. I’m a monster.

I think you might be.

If we all get vaccinated will lockdowns be unnecessary?

No. A vaccinated person can still get Covid.

If we all get vaccinated will that stop Covid spreading?

No. A vaccinated person can still spread Covid.

If we get vaccinated, can we still die from Covid?

Yes.

Then why…

COVID DENIER!! ANTI-VAXXER!!! (trails off into incomprehensible screeching before hanging up)

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Suzee Piles: COVID Expert
John Black

John Black

I have had my work published in the Australian Spectator, the New Zealand Herald and several on-line publications. One of the only right-wing people in Education (we hold our meetings in a broom closet)....