Ardern Explainer Editor:
In a broadcast to the nation from her Facebook bunker deep in the bowels of the Beehive a haggard-looking Jacinda Ardern apologised for her complete and utter incompetence.
“A while back,” she said, “I stated I was not a complete idiot, but now with the failure of my elimination strategy my complete idiocy is exposed and laid naked for all to see.
“As I said recently, there would be no need for level three lockdowns if there was 90% fully vaccinated in Aotearoa.
“But as you all know, my mismanagement of the vaccine purchase and the ongoing vaccine rollout shambles meant the 90% target was impossible to reach at this stage and probably not achievable until late next year – if ever.
“So along with all my other miserable failures, I make a full and final apology for the great harm I have dumped on Aotearoa.
“A reign of terror is on the land – the virus is loose, hunting and sniffing out the unvaccinated, slithering through every open window and door, lurking in lifts, hiding on knobs – leaking from every shopper in supermarkets and tinny houses throughout the land.
“We are all doomed. I am a complete idiot.”
Livestock Explainer Editor:
A government task force is looking at compulsory masks for all domestic animals to protect the most vulnerable in society from Covid-19.
Modelling by professor Hendy has shown that the tricky virus could rip through Aotearoa’s dairy herd causing thousands of deaths by infecting the country’s cow cockies – the same goes for sheep farmers and horse breeders.
Most of the income of the nation would be destroyed in an instant and Labour’s plans for an Iwi republic would be put at severe financial risk.
There is concern also for the nation’s grannies due to infection from their darling moggies or pooches and so it’s masks for them as well.
A team of Aotearoa’s world-leading scientists will investigate the complex problem of herbivores eating grass while mask-wearing, and designing masks robust enough to last the distance.
Using her influence and reputation as one of the top world leaders, Jacinda Ardern has struck a deal with Xi Jinping to manufacture at speed the masks once the kinks have been ironed out.
Professor Hendy’s modelling has been lauded worldwide and proves once again that Kiwis punch well above their weight.
It is also another world first for Jacinda in her long list of world firsts.
Public Toilets Explainer Editor:
Following another government-sponsored initiative, councils are scrambling to rectify the new $100m signage rollout on public toilets.
The signage which replaced Men and Women with People without Vaginas (men) and People with Vaginas (women) was quickly deemed not only culturally insensitive but insulting to all Trans people on Twitter.
A team of Maori academics with an annual budget of $10m and generous tabs at Wellington’s finest restaurants has been tasked with creating suitable te reo nomenclature which will satisfy all sections of society.
A resolution of this vexing problem is expected within the next ten years.
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