Being a keen observer of the political classes I’ve been asked to identify and name some of the fauna in the zoo. Today we will look at identifying various types of Political Mustelids (Weasels).
The Giant Socialist Weasel (Mustela giganta socialistii) – Groups of these weasels are called unions. They infest many areas trying to expel more productive species from habitats so they can infest them themselves. Almost invariably the nests become fetid and run down causing the Giant Socialist Weasel to seek other nests to infest. Very difficult to eradicate.
Multiple weasels seen acting together are often called an Axis of Weasel.
The Sabre Toothed Weasel (Mustela smilodon) – A fearsome name, but the teeth are blunter and squarer than a traditional sabre shape. The Horse Toothed Weasel doesn’t really have the same cachet. Has long hair that naturally forms a pony tail. Very long forelimbs that flap around for no particular reason. Its call could really only be described as meaningless babble, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Very indecisive, often caught out lying, but loves the limelight and often seen near schools or kindergartens where it feels comfortable and safe from the rest of the world.
The Fear Weasel (Mustela timentes) – The Fear Weasel is horribly knock-kneed with terrible palsy of the legs which means it stands fixed in place quivering uncontrollably. A very common type of weasel, often seen together with the Karen Weasel (Mustela karenii).
The Angry Weasel (Mustela littlae) – Very dangerous weasel, known to growl and attack almost anything. A furry-faced creature with sagging jowls.
The Grey Haired Angry Weasel (Mustela nashii) – Related to the Angry Weasel but with grey to white hair. Often seen preening and posturing itself to attract mates.
The Ginger Pussy Whipped Weasel (Mustela hipkinsii) – Likes hanging around student union buildings looking for a mate. Known to drink pink cocktails. Has an alarming orange coloured coat, but is a day walking weasel hated by true Ginger Weasels.
The Shit Weasel (Mustela mallardii) – A very angry weasel that can spit out of both sides of its narrow little mouth. Has a defined chip on both shoulders.
The Panic Weasel (Mustela hendii) – A very timid and easily frightened mustelid species. Very closely related to the Swivel Eyed Panic Weasel (Mustela bakerii).
The He Puapua Weasel (Mustela jacksonii) – This brown coloured weasel discriminates against every other coloured animal including from the weasel family. Very well organised and enjoys segregating other species under their control.
The Ghost Weasel (Mustela twyfordii) – Almost died out and not seen very often these days after almost extinguishing its own political reputation through frequent and repeated failure to deliver anything.
The Salad Dodging Weasel (Mustela woodsii) – A very large weasel with a small mouth hidden by large jowls. Known to try building nests above ground but usually ends in failure and forms committees with other weasels to attempt to shift the blame for the failures.
The Brown Ghost Weasel (Mustela davisii) – Almost invisible, but with very light brown colouring.
The Minor Socialist Weasel (Mustela parkerii) – Nasty little weasel, a sub-species of the Giant Socialist Weasel. Knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Small and almost squirrely, has been known to pinch mates off other weasels while staying in their nest.
The Big Fat Pink Haired Hypocrite Weasel (Mustela giganta siouxsii) – Related to the Fear Weasel, but known to spend time at beaches not swimming. Used in circuses due to a proficiency in steering small electric bicycles. Highly entertaining but extremely sensitive to close surveillance. Known to glow incandescent with rage if filmed. Can be caught with very expensive hypocrisy traps.
The Mexican Weasel (Mustela menendezii) – Is actually a kind of Chutney Ferret but usually lives just south of the US Border in Mexico.
Also related to weasels are ferrets and stoats.
The Pie Eating Chutney Ferret (Mustela robertsonii) – Related to, but not the same as the Pie Eating Weasel. Seen near Parliament and locations where food is plentiful. Closely associated with, though not related to, the Sabre Toothed Weasel. This ferret is rarely seen burrowing, mainly due to its immense size.
The Train Ferret (Mustela woodii) – A small ferret that spends years working for other ferrets or weasels. Loves public transport and often photographed near public transport stations and terminals. Prone to getting run over by other species using private transport in preference to public transport.
The Wet Reverse Ferret (Mustela mullerae) – Has a large opinion of itself and big ambitions, but lacks follow through. Has a peculiar habit of popping up then quickly turning around and disappearing whence it came. Often drowns in a puddle of its own making.
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