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What Ardern Should Apologise For

Recently Ardern Apologised for a Previous Government’s Upholding of the Law.

So Jacinda Ardern, our prime emoter, has apologised for a previous government’s upholding of the law. The ‘dawn raids’, as the Left knows them, or ‘immigration law enforcement’ which is what they were, have been the subject of a formal Ardern apology replete with ‘pained expression of utmost sincerity’ TM. Our prime minister does this particularly well, the ability to empathise or fake it (who would really know?) being the basis of many modern political careers. It got Bill Clinton to the White House (and into the panties of half the cocktail waitresses in Arkansas).

That these raids were racist is disputable. It is argued that they unfairly focused on Polynesian overstayers while ignoring similar transgressors with a lighter skin colour. But, as Dr Michael Bassett and others have pointed out, it was just as likely practicality rather than racism that saw the Pasifika community ‘targeted’: a Samoan overstayer in Grey Lynn being easier to spot than a Pommy one in Christchurch. Regardless, unequal application of a law is worthy of a government apology and doubly so if there was any racial element to its motivation. What I’m less sure of is that a woman who wasn’t even alive when the raids occurred should be the one to deliver it.

Especially when there is so much her government has got wrong that she should apologise for.

If her government’s slide in the polls continues, she may have to.

As a publicly spirited individual, and because I hear government speech writers get paid better than hacks, I have drafted a few comments she might like to make if she ever decides to make an ‘apology tour’ before the next general election.

The Vaccine Roll Out

“Sorry New Zealand when I said we were ‘front of the queue’ I was looking at a page from a Ministry of Health report. I didn’t realise I was holding it upside down…”


“I know I promised 100,000 houses in ten years. I thought that was 1,000 homes a year. But Grant Robertson told me it’s 10,000. Sorry, that’s arts graduate maths for you. Chris Hipkins had the calculator that day. Back at Morrinsville Primary when we were doing the ten times tables I was organising a petition to get vegan sausages sold at the tuck shop.”

Hate Speech

“Why should a terrible act of violent hatred by a foreigner mean the freedom of New Zealanders to joke, question, debate and yes hate (in non-violent ways) be removed by government legislation? I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe I wasn’t. Don’t hate me for it. Oh wait, you can’t now…he he.”


“If you were one of the many people who work in tourism, international education or hospitality who lost your jobs because I transformed NZ into an antipodean Alcatraz, I am deeply sorry. I promise you’ll get your job back when we open the borders…I’m thinking early 2030.”


“Sorry, went a bit over the top here, didn’t I? Banning gas and coal exploration, the ‘Zero Carbon Act’, The Ute Tax, EVs… While economic prosperity is important to me it’s not half as important as what Aunty Helen and her UN mates think. If they set a target for nations adopting EVs, even if it will only reduce the world’s CO2 emissions by 0.1 per cent, I’m on board. I mean to say you are on board. It’s the only way Aunty Helen can get me that sweet gig at the UN for when all this Prime Minister stuff blows up in my face. Won’t you all be proud when I’m on the cover of Time?”


“Mea Culpa. Although there’s a good chance no one graduating from high school will know what that means. They will however be able to write an essay on white privilege in office furniture and build a bong out of recycled Coke bottles.”

Child Poverty

“I’m really sorry for this one. This is why I got into politics. After listening to the Whitney Houston song in the seventh form common room. Who knew it would take more than a bit of extra welfare money to solve an inter-generational problem caused by welfare money. Not me. Or Whitney.”

Race relations

“I apologise for doing for New Zealand race relations what Hitler did for small moustaches. For heading a government that made the fever dreams of the most radical separatist Maori race fetishists a distinct possibility. But the He Puapua report was not a secret – it could be read by anyone. Anyone who took three flights of stairs down to the Beehive basement, turned right and walked to the end of the corridor and entered the room with the ‘DO NOT ENTER’ sign. It was in the locked filing cabinet in the corner.”

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