Entertainment Explainer Explainer Editor:
Walt Disney has announced a remake of its iconic cartoon characters.
In a worldwide news release, a spokesperson laid out the plan to introduce present-day children to characters they can understand and relate to.
A three-hour, genre-breaking, blockbuster special will resurrect favourite characters from yesteryear but in a modern new-normal context.
Mickey Mouse and Goofy will be gay and in a relationship. Minnie Mouse will be in a lesbian relationship with Clarabelle Cow. Donald Duck will be a transvestite and Daisy Duck will be them/they. Scrooge McDuck is to be restyled as a philanthropist billionaire internet mogul saving the world with his vaccines and cash.
Every good movie needs villains so Black Pete will be restyled as Orange Don (his black hair will be replaced by an orange quiff) while the Beagle Boys will be exposed as white supremacist insurrectionists and Orange Don supporters.
In a snub to sexism, Minnie, not Mickey, will play the leading role in what will be a heroic battle against the patriarchy, racism and white supremacy. It will be very educational and as always the gals will triumph.
Press Release from The PM’s New Ministry of Disinformation:
The Ministry of Disinformation has released a photo proving the video, seen around the world, of Siouxsie Wiles, and the other woman at the beach, breaking level 4 restrictions, was a fake, propagated by right-wing conspiracy theorists.
A frame taken from the video and put through a special sharpening filter only available to security services throughout the western world, actually shows a pair of elephant seals, one with a fluorescent pink jellyfish on her head and the other poor creature tangled in a piece of the flotsam and jetsam that pollutes our inner harbours.
The Incomplete Idiot
Reliable sources say Jacinda Ardern is working on an autobiography in her spare time.
Titled The Incomplete Idiot, it proudly laments the fact that she is yet to reach full idiot status – but is nearly there.
A leaked synopsis paraphrased by TWE shows her idiocy so far:
Housing idiocy:
Her measures to fix the rental market has resulted in an acute shortage of rental accommodation.
Her promise of affordable houses for first home buyers has seen house prices rise the fastest in the world. The average house price is now $1m.
Kiwibuild for first home buyers is a laughing stock worldwide.
State house building is a disaster. The government competes on the open market for ready built houses, further driving up prices.
The waiting list for state houses has massively risen.
Child Poverty idiocy:
Rather than reduce the problem, child poverty has ballooned under her management.
Climate Change idiocy:
Using her captain’s call she closed down clean-burning natural gas only to ramp up coal-fired power generation with imported coal.
CO2 emissions have risen, resulting in sarcasm and tut-tutting from her hero and rival Greta Thunberg – oh the ignominy!
Education idiocy:
New Zealand is now one of the worst-performing countries in education in the developed world. Truancy has reached epidemic proportions – 40% plus in some schools.
Mental health idiocy:
A complete shambles by any measure with more people suffering mental illness than ever with no help available – a prominent New Zealander handed in his award for work in the field over government inaction.
Team of five million idiocy:
After glibly promoting “they are us” and “team of five million”, she secretly works on separatism – a roadmap to ‘them and us’ – He Puapua – iwi versus others – the formation of an undemocratic iwi republic.
Gun safety idiocy:
After disarming ordinary gun owners in the name of safety she fails to disarm gangs who are merrily shooting up suburban streets.
Rapid Transport idiocy:
Touted as the answer to Auckland transport woes, nothing has been started yet other than a train from Hamilton which trundles back and forth to the outskirts of Auckland every now and then.
Health idiocy:
No increases in intensive care units after two years.
Deciding to do a massive revamp of the health system in the middle of a pandemic.
Covid-19 idiocy:
She is doing the hard mahi – nearly there – working day and night to ensure the complete failure of her eradication policy.
Only then can she claim the title of Complete Idiot.
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