An old mate of mine used to justify an early beer or three by saying, “Hey, it’s five o’clock somewhere”.

Reading the news, sometimes I think every day must be April 1st somewhere.

It’s hard to deny that we live in a Clown World, when men are women, women are “chest feeders” and shark attacks are “negative interactions”.

Yes, folks, in a negative interaction with common sense, environmental bureaucrats are underscoring the “mental” by finger-wagging us for hurting sharks’ feelings when sharks hurt people’s legs, arms and other tasty bits of anatomy.

Shark attacks are to be rebranded as “negative encounters” or “interactions” in an attempt to change the predators’ image as a “man-eating monster.”

Officials in parts of Australia will also refer to “bites,” rather than “attacks,” as they seek to avoid scaring people away from public beaches.

It’s almost as if Steve Irwin was playing Monty Python’s Black Knight: “Come back! It’s only a flesh wound! He’s just playing!”

The move comes despite a rise in fatal shark attacks around the world last year, including a series of deaths in Australian waters.

A Queensland official told a recent shark conference the state would be using the term “bites,” the Sydney Morning Herald reported.

And the Queensland “SharkSmart” information website tells people how to “minimise your risk of a negative encounter with a shark.”

In New South Wales the Department of Primary Industries, which is responsible for fisheries and aquaculture, has moved away from the term “attacks” in its official shark reports, referring instead to “incidents” or “interactions.”

A spokesman said: [We are] respectful that each incident is best described by the individual involved.”

Perhaps, then, we ought to rebrand “shark attack” as “Shark! Omigodmyleggurglegurglearrghh!”

Dr Christopher Pepin-Neff, a shark researcher at the University of Sydney, said: “‘Shark attack’ is a lie.”

As George Orwell said, “One has to belong to the intelligentsia to believe things like that: no ordinary man could be such a fool.”

There were 10 unprovoked fatal shark attacks globally in 2020, according to the International Shark Attack File at the University of Florida.

The annual average for the previous five years was four deaths.
In 2020 at least six of the deaths happened in Australia, with three in the United States.

According to the report there were 57 unprovoked shark attacks on people last year around the world.

The Telegraph

I think what they meant to say was that there were 57 incidents of wicked humans overfeeding sharks with their own body parts.

I mean, will no one think of the sharks? Imagine how hurtful it must be, to be subject to such microaggressions as “attack”, while you’re harmlessly tearing the flesh from some human’s body.

close-up of gray shark
‘E’s just pinin’ for a cuddle, is all. The BFD. Photo by Wai Siew

But this latest eructation of Clown World political correctness raises the question of whether human predators will similarly be spared from hurtful microaggressions. Perhaps instead of “rape”, we should be referring to “negative sexual encounters”? Wars will be dubbed “military interactions”.

And, just as Lego have renamed one of their Star Wars kits from “Slave1” to “Boba Fett’s Starship”, movie classics such as Jaws will be rebranded Bite, or Interactions With Sharks.

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Don’t Go Hurting Sharks’ Feelings, Now

Lushington D. Brady

Punk rock philosopher. Liberalist contrarian. Grumpy old bastard. I grew up in a generational-Labor-voting family. I kept the faith long after the political left had abandoned it. In last decade or...