Michael Wood explainer Editor:
The Minister of Unions Michael Wood announced today that beneficiaries would be unionised under his Fair Pay legislation.
Michael Wood said, “Fair Pay Agreements are about investing in our people – beneficiaries – which is part of the Government’s COVID-19 recovery plan.
“A team of Maori academics is working on a suitable name for the union. No expense will be spared for the welfare of this country.
“The union,” he said, “will improve wages and conditions for all beneficiaries. We will invest in training to make our beneficiaries the best they can be.
“It will level the playing field so other employers don’t compete with us or undercut and disadvantage the government.
“The plan is to discourage anyone else from offering employment.
“For too long New Zealanders working in roles critical to our re-election, like beneficiaries, whose work was essential to keep our government supported during the pandemic, have been undervalued by our workplace relations system.
“Unions and Fair Pay Agreements are about turning that around and ensuring that the government gets re-elected next election.”
Jacinda Ardern Explainer Editor:
In a world wide broadcast Jacinda Ardern revealed the secrets of her world leading response to Covid-19 and received worldwide acclaim.
After making an announcement of further announcements about her wedding to mega-media star and fish and chip maestro Clarke Gayford – all round good guy and winner of International Air Hostess Magazine Stud of the Year – an obviously upbeat Jacinda gave a heart warming speech.
“Being an island nation at the bottom of the world thousands of miles from anywhere was more of a hindrance than a help,” she said. “It certainly made getting the right people into the country difficult.
“It was the teddies in the window during lockdowns that did it, the millions of BE KIND signs plastered everywhere, a large team of advertising creatives dreaming up a slogan for the day.
“My calming concerned presence continually announcing my personal brilliance resulting in the lack of cases and deaths due to the lock-outs, lock-downs, lock-ins and emphasising how I saved everyone from certain death was a winner.
“Videos of my cake baking were the cream on top.
“It is a tricky virus. The solution relies on being even trickier – which of course is my specialty.”
Stuart Nash Explainer Editor:
Tourism Minister Stuart Nash today clarified his reasoning behind the extra $200 million for those presently in the tourism industry to move out of the business.
“As I have said it can never go back to the way it was pre-covid.
“Under our He Puapua roll-out, the DOC estate, native species and the seabed and foreshore are being gifted to iwi.
“As owners of all our natural resources, they will have complete control of any tourism.
“Pakeha need to resign themselves to this fact – move on and get out of tourism – if not the country.”
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