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Eight ‘Male Needs’ the Government Should Pay For
Ah for a return to taboos. Used to be a man could go about his business without any reminder of the grisly side of female reproductive mechanics. Now you can’t turn on a TV without some white-coated personage educating you on the most absorbent best-fitting sanitary products to ‘stem your flow’. Last week, these necessary but gross items of female concern even made it into a government policy announcement. From June, all girls (sorry, don’t want to have J K Rowling’s bother, so let me amend that to: all people who menstruate) will be provided with free sanitary products. How kind. Although is it really kindness if you are using other people’s money? One might argue that there are plenty of ‘male needs’ that should benefit from similar state largesse. So in the interests of gender equality here are eight such needs the government should consider paying for.
Razors
Let’s start small. Unless you are a barista, pig hunter or represent the Green party in parliament, you need to shave. It’s a daily chore to stand in front of the mirror and hack away at the facial follicles that differentiate you from women and Korean pop stars.
And razor blades are pricey. I don’t know where Mr Bic lives but I bet it’s somewhere nice with 24 hr armed guards to stop men incensed by his monopolistic pricing from breaking in and using his products on him. To avoid the dreadful effects of ‘razor poverty’ I propose a monthly allowance to purchase razor blades and shaving cream.
Italians and men of Middle Eastern extraction would get double. Chinese men would be exempt.
Alcohol
It is generally accepted that men drink more than women. There are exceptions like the Riccarton Ladies’ Lawn Bowls team on an away game and my aunty Rhona but generally the rule holds.
Equity could be achieved by subsidizing all alcohol that isn’t Baileys or fizzy white wine. Gay men may kick up a fuss until they realise how cheap this will make cosmopolitans.
Cars
Women being the more sensible gender think of automobiles as simple methods of conveyance from point A to point B. Not so men. Cars are signifiers of our status, wealth and personality. Some even think the size of a man’s car has an inverse relationship to his penis size. Which accounts for the popularity of SUVs among real estate agents. And also explains why I drive a Mini.
Another plausible theory has it that the size of men’s cars have increased as feminism has chipped away at male self-esteem. Given the current rampages of third-wave feminism, soon we will all be forced to drive Cadillacs.
Whether this is true or not, the fact is men spend a lot more on their cars. We need government-secured first car loans and for the middle-aged male, financing to help purchase the vital morale boosting ‘meno-Porsche’.
Sorry Flowers
Every man in a relationship with a woman knows what these are. As fallible human beings we from time to time screw up. They respond with tantrums, week-long sulks and using our favourite ACDC t-shirt to clean out the fire place.
To return to a state of domestic equilibrium requires the purchasing of flowers – relationship semaphore for ‘I’m sorry’.
Again they are expensive but cheaper than a hotel room or (in ego terms) actually saying ‘I’m sorry’.
There could be a government reimbursement program with a sliding scale based on the severity of the offence: from ‘forgot her birthday’ to ‘ran over her pedigree Persian cat with a ride-on lawn mower’.
Anything bigger than that and you’ll need jewellery.
Jewellery
Chiefly but not exclusively bought by men for women. An outrageous example of economic gender discrimination. Or the biological fact that women like to boost their attractiveness by adorning themselves with coloured rocks, and men, other than American rappers and RuPaul, generally don’t.
Regardless, whether it’s an engagement ring or an ‘I’m sorry I bonked my secretary and the video we made got released on the internet’ diamond necklace, men end up paying for it. This inequity could be rectified by nationalising Michael Hill’s and creating a ‘Department of Relationship Salvation’ to dole out pearl earrings and gold bracelets as and when men need them.
DIY
Usually instigated by women but inevitably paid for and carried out by men. ‘Wouldn’t it be great to fit another chair on the back deck, dear?’ becomes a six-week extension of said deck, requiring trips to the hardware store and timber yard, the watching of numerous YouTube tutorials, hours of back- breaking labour and ending in you nail-gunning your nuts to a four-by-two, an evening in A&E and the decision to hire someone who actually knows what they are doing. This has got to stop.
A government program to train youth in carpentry skills and subsidize their employment on DIY projects for men who have made unwise promises to their spouses would seem to be the answer. However, having muscled eighteen-year-olds at home with your wife while you are away at work may have its own set of problems.
Sports Betting
Alive to the tragic randomness of fortune, women get serious. Men take a punt. It’s probably something to do with having babies. Whatever, the point is men gamble a lot more than women. Horse racing, football scores, whether we can run a red light and make it through the intersection before that Kenworth coming from the left does. We shouldn’t be penalized for our impetuous, risk-taking nature. A truly compassionate government would make male gambling losses tax-deductible. Or at least install a decent tip-line.
Pornography
College Girls in Bikinis Wrestle in Baby Oil.Com is outrageously expensive.
Yes, the male road is a hard one, full of unfair costs and discriminatory financial obligations. But I doubt our current government would have much time for my common sense proposals. They have however given men an out. Soon it will be possible to change your gender by a simple statutory declaration.
How kind.
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