The Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern today dismissed concerns raised by experts at Auckland University about the coming obesity epidemic. “They are jus fear-mongering,” she said. “I have the siduashin compledely under condrol”.
The experts, speaking anonymously for fear of twitter reprisals, said that their computer modeling showed over 90% of the population will be morbidly obese by the middle of 2021 if urgent steps are not taken.
This is the result of chronic inactivity, free money and bad habits acquired during the lockdowns.
Their suspicions were aroused when statistics showed a rapid increase in urgent repairman call-outs for door jam replacements due to overly large backsides and hips ripping them off the doorframes when entering and exiting rooms.
There is also a twelve month waiting list for oversized lounge furniture.
Jacinda Ardern explained that the careful application of a combination of poverty and extreme food shortages would solve the problem over the coming years.
Government monetary policy will ensure hyper inflation pushes food prices out of reach of most, while border closures and cash poor countries the world over cancelling imports will ensure many farmers are bankrupted.
James Shaw has a list of rich elites with impeccable green credentials ready to step in and help us out by snapping up unwanted farms and converting them into forests for our much needed carbon credits.
The days of cheap plentiful food supplies are over – along with yucky obesity problems, she said.
She added that her carefully crafted policy of ongoing, multiple conversations and doing nothing that has served her well in the past will serve her now.
In other news, Education Minister Chris Hipkins has decided to drop English from all school curriculums due to Aotearoa plunging to bottom position in international ratings. The problem will be solved by substituting English with Te Reo.
No other western country teaches Maori so we will be head of the pack, number one, he said. However, spoken Ardernese, along with texting and correct emoji use will be taught.
It is expected that the lack of reading ability will create a more harmonious nation as individuals will not be able to be misled by other sources. Official government mouthpieces such as RNZ and TVNZ will be the one true source of information.