The Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, announced today that the whole country is going to be put on a shovel ready footing. She said, “Now that the RMA is subject to the Carbon Zero Act, we are in a deep, dark, hole and my loyal team of 5 million are to be tasked with digging me out of it.”

The Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern presenting a homeless waif with her free shovel. Photoshopped image credit HangonaMin

“Just as all things need to to be approved by Maori according to Treaty principles, now all projects will need to be approved by the Greens, whether they are in government or not, due to the inclusion of the Carbon Zero Act principles in the RMA. Fortunately, all projects can be declined if they have carbon impacts,” she said.

“Basically all heavy earth-working machinery will now be junked. Roads and garages will only be available for electric vehicles, except under special circumstances. This is just the start,” she said.

Coincidentally, earlier today, a twenty-member task-force headed by the Right Honourable Helen Clark had reported back on their year-long secret investigation into the lack of shovels in underprivileged sections of society.

“The report points to the institutional racism and the white privilege rampant under the previous National Government,” said Jacinda Ardern.

“Chronic systemic failure had led to a dearth of shovels for the most vulnerable leading to their inability to participate in society,” she said.

A clearly excited PM said, “The shiny new shovels will be on me. I’ll be touring Aotearoa, handing them out to the most vulnerable. The report was worth every cent of the $100 million it cost.”

The spokesperson for the National Party, Nikki Kaye, said they agreed with everything Jacinda said and thought it was an absolutely fabulous idea but they would have taken it further and provided free wheelbarrows as well.

Jacinda Ardern said she would set up twenty-person committee to look into the idea of free wheelbarrows – it would report back sometime in 2023.

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