The Government announced today, that the Captain Cooker statues that “litter” Aotearoa will be removed immediately at a cost of $50 million. A replacement monolithic statue of a Kiore (Polynesian rat) will be erected in Aotea Square to celebrate early Maori’s contribution in animal husbandry to the country.
“The project will be shovel-readied into Aotearoa’s infrastructure build, and will be the biggest erection in the southern hemisphere,” the minister in charge, Phil Twyford said.
“It also will be steered jointly with the newly established, shadowy and over-reaching De-Colonisation Commission”, he said
“The Captain Cookers had to go,” Mr Twyford also said, “they are a part of our disgraceful colonial past and shouldn’t be celebrated. They ripped through Aotearoa like beads, blankets and muskets, setting off a hellfire of gluttony – unknown before colonisation – with the resulting curse of obesity and ill health which plagues modern Maori.”
“The Kiore is a shining example of a low fat, lean meat diet so needed today and an example of the excellence of Maori Husbandry. The statue is a world first in race relations and woke green-ness personified, signalling a low carbon future for the world to follow” he added.
The spokesperson for the National party, Nikki Kaye, said they agreed with everything and thought it was absolutely fabulous idea, but when in government they would do it better and construct a monolithic statue in each city, not just Auckland.
The project is expected to cost around $100 billion by the time all the consultants’, sculptors’, engineers’ and architects’ fees are factored in. The initial estimate of $10 billion is rumoured to have ballooned out to $100 billion due to the Green Party’s insistence on a cycleway to spiral up the inside of the column.
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