With all the online learning being undertaken during lockdown, what better time to add another guide to self-improvement?
Becoming a leftie is actually fairly easy and the skills can be picked up quite quickly. Regular daily practice will hone them to a fine degree so that, in no time at all, you’ll be up there with Cindy and co., as well as a large proportion of those who call themselves journalists.
So let’s get going!
Step One:
It will help if you have something of the appropriate mindset already; being some kind of academic, with a bit of sociology or gender studies under your belt will be immensely useful and provide a bit of mana. If not, no worries – just be of the view that the world owes some people a living, or be focused on “rights”.
Step Two:
Learning the necessary vocabulary is one of the basics and, once acquired, will be a valuable tool in the inevitable discussions/disagreements that will come your way. (see step 3). To start with, words with a negative connotation often end in “-ist” or “-ism”, preceded by stems such as sex/, race/, elite, etc. The exception is “femin-“ which for lefties is always positive. Others belong in the “-ale” family, e.g. male/pale/stale, or end in “-phobe”. You’ll need to use “inclusive” and “tolerance” quite a lot – but don’t worry, you don’t have to actually practise these all the time!
Step Three:
When arguing a point or holding a position, always remember that attack is the best form of defence and cogent, considered thinking and well-argued points of view are not necessary. Labels are very powerful, so this is where the vocabulary comes into its own. Strong opposing arguments can be completely derailed with a well-aimed toss of one of the “ists” at the non-believers, and if you ever find yourself backed into a corner, fire at will with shrieks of “colonisation!” as this will have many an opponent on the back foot!
Step Four:
Finally for today, abandon any previous ability to think critically or analytically; especially when scrutinising such things as unsympathetic political cartoons in order to find offence or reasons for outrage; which, of course, is your raison d’etre as a fully-fledged leftie. See the trees, not the wood, focus on the superficial image and give no credence to the point being made. In short, don’t think at all!
Hey, you’re well on the way already! (Next time: “Defending selective outrage – some pointers”)
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