Please help me!

I’m seriously at risk of ODing on American politics.

Two days ago there was the Nevada (correctly pronounced Nev Add Ah) Democratic primary. This consists of voters selecting the candidate they wish to be president. Then some people representing each candidate shuffle around and form other groups if their group doesn’t have sufficient votes (15%). Then the number of people in each group is used to calculate the number of delegates to go to the convention and select who will be the real candidate.

I’m near-drowning in this swamp.

The real reason for this overly complicated arrangement is to prevent the wrinkled, rich Communist, Bernie Sanders, from assuming the mantle. It appears to be spectacularly failing at present. As bad as Bernie is (and as universally reviled as he is) the other candidates are so awful he is winning at a canter.

Bernie Sanders (right) The existential terror of being a socialist who hates rich people, but you’re also a millionaire who travels First Class. The BFD.

The candidates are

  • Bernie Sanders, life long communist and recent heart attack recipient. Communist with three houses.
  • Joe Biden, slipping into dementia. Father of “Where’s Hunter?” and preferred by the Democratic leaders.
  • Pete Buttigieg, mayor of a small failing city. The MSM mentions he’s gay at every mention of his name while denying it will affect his electability (it will).
  • Elizabeth Warren, an ex-school teacher who looks like a lizard on uppers. She’s another far lefty.
  • Amy Klobuchar, “Did you just call me dumb?”.
  • Tom Steyer, a filthy rich billionaire who thinks he can buy the presidency.
  • Tulsi Gabbard, Miss Under 1%
  • Mike Bloomberg, filthy richest of all, can only be seen above the podium by standing on his wallet. He knows he can buy the presidency.

All of the still-standing candidates are veering sharply to the left (they all drive left-hand drive vehicles) except Bloomberg. He’s so stunned from the tongue whipping he received several days ago he’s unsure of what he believes, or who he’s currently apologising to.

After a weekend of this and three Trump triumphant rallies, I’m starting to talk like a Texan, swear like a Manhattan taxi driver and I’m considering getting a blue rinse like one of those oft-facelifted old Florida matrons.

Help!

If you enjoyed this BFD article please consider sharing it with your friends.

Peter is a fourth-generation New Zealander, with his mother's and father's folks having arrived in New Zealand in the 1870s. He lives in Lower Hutt with his wife, some cats and assorted computers. His...