At the weekend’s Labour Party conference, all of their top outstanding performers got to give a speech including the Deputy Leader.
His speech is posted on their website so if you want a laugh and have masochistic tendencies you can read it in its entirety. I’ve taken one for the team and here are some of the highlights (?).
Maori are natural storytellers.
On the marae we use stories to tell our history, to teach the next generation life lessons and to let people know, in our most creative of ways, who we are and where we have come from.
We have legends and myths about the creation of the world, that talk about Maui fishing up the North Island and creating fire for the first time.
Everyone has a story. And right now, our party, our government is writing its own story.
Well, you’d have to say this is an admission that pretty much all evidence of Maori history is just hearsay as interpreted by various storytellers as they pass their stories on. As Kelvin points out with no ambiguity, they told their stories in “our most creative ways” with the level of creativity unlimited, along with poetic license, exaggeration and whatever other “creative ways” the storyteller might choose to use. He freely admits: “We have legends and myths about the creation of the world…” and few among us would dispute that. They do, and their myths and legends are captivating and fascinating but we already know that many of them are tall tales. How does one determine where legend and myth end and fact begins?
As he so rightly points out, “Everyone has a story and right now our party is writing its own story”. We couldn’t in all conscience disagree with that now could we? We do all have a story and there’s no doubt that Labour is writing its own as Kelvin continues:
A story that will last the ages. A story that starts something like this.
In the beginning, before there was light – there were 9 long years of darkness. It wasn’t like a black darkness, more a dark shade of blue kinda darkness – the worst kind. Anyway, without light, people in the blue darkness struggled. Different groups tried, every 3 years, to bring light to the world. But alone, they weren’t strong enough against the dark blue nothingness. Until 2017, when Whaea Jacinda, Winitana Peters and the Kakarikis joined forces, pushing apart the darkness to let light in.
And over 50% of the world rejoiced in their achievements.
Yeah right! Well, he did preface his speech by admitting they’re storytellers and will tell their stories in their “most creative ways” but “50% of the world rejoiced” is bordering on insanity and suggesting they have some achievements to rejoice about is beyond fairy tales don’t you think?
But wait, there’s more
They called their caucuses together in a large round building and asked a question: Now we have light – who will help make the world a better place? Who will help usher in the age of Wellbeing?
One man, fresh from the North came to the front of the crowd. “I, Maui, will take up this tremendous challenge. I will catch a one billion dollar fish every year for 3 years and distribute it amongst the regions so people can prosper and economic development can flourish. The leaders – Whaea Jacinda, Winitana Peters and the Kakarikis – huddled together to consider this man’s proposal. Whaea Jacinda said “I’m sure that guy is Shane Jones, not Maui” Winitana said “It’s definitely Jonesy” The Kakarikis said “one fish a year sounds like sustainable fishing to us” And Shane Jones, I mean Maui, was sent off to help the regions thrive with his PGF – his ‘pretty ginormous fish’ fund.
Sometimes, things said in jest are just simply … well …true and if it looks like a joke, maybe it’s turning out to be one? He then turns to his own achievement
Now I can see in the light, I have found that too many people are languishing in the dungeons, terrible dungeons, across this fair land.
I would like to safely reduce the number of incarcerated people by 30% over 15 years.
I can do this safely by taking a Maori approach, investing in rehabilitation and mental health services and treating people and not just their crimes.”
And no doubt we will soon see the results of that decision.
Kelvin then talks about Hemi (James) Shaw stepping up
“Are you guys feeling hot?” Said Hemi from the house of Kakarikis.
“Have you noticed that the climate around us has been warming up?” “
How did those in the darkness sit around and do nothing about this warming of the globe for 9 long years?”
Hemi then announced “I will take action against one of this generation’s most pressing issues.
I will change the climate. I will lead climate change.”
I doubt that even Shaw ever believed or said he could change the climate but remember, this is history being taught in “our most creative of ways” (which I’m sure their conference delegates absolutely lapped up). But again wait – creative gets even better as Kelvin lists even more of their outstanding achievements
Historic investments in mental health, extending doctors’ visits, tackling climate change, we have done more in housing, the economy, in transport, infrastructure, regional development, Maori development, in trade, in wellbeing, across the board – We have done a lot – which is more than heaps. But there is still more work to do! The 9 years in darkness did more damage to our world than we could ever imagine.”
Talk is indeed cheap. I wonder if this gives you the same level of faith as it does me?