Important news just in this week. Apple iPhones can turn you gay! Apparently. Well, at least that is the argument from Mr D. Razumilov, who is suing the tech giant for making him gay.

This poor wee, slightly confused Russian sued Apple on Sept. 20 in Moscow’s Presnensky District Court, claiming that he turned homosexual after ordering BitCoin on the iPhone app in 2017, the Govorit Moskva radio station reported last week, and he is claiming one million rubles for the ignominy of it all.

Razumilov said that instead of the non-gay cryptocurrency he wanted, he received one called “GayCoin” along with a note saying: “Don’t judge until you try.”

“That simple message unleashed forbidden thoughts that would destroy his life”, he said.

According to the Muscovite, after the message his life changed for the worse. The victim believes that Apple pushed him to homosexuality and the changes caused the plaintiff “moral suffering and mental harm”.

Razumilov alleged that Apple had “pushed” him “toward homosexuality through manipulation,” and that he “will never become normal again.

Pluralist

Geez where to start with this? At least he recognises that being gay isn’t normal! If it was, surely over 50% of us would be benders.

But first up I guess would be: What the hell were you thinking buying cryptocurrency from some dodgy third person app? Surely there must be safer ways to purchase the imaginary currency of your choice?

Secondly: Why on earth would it be Apple’s fault? I guess there may be an expectation that they thoroughly safety check every single one of the millions of apps that work on their system but I’m not too sure how practical that might be.

However, I guess you might as well sue the really wealthy company rather than the (probably) broke, dodgy scammers though, so fair call there.

Thirdly, is one million rubles really enough to make up for all the moral suffering and mental harm? That’s not even 25,000 Pacific Pesos. I’m pretty sure Patty Gower would spend that much on her average Big Gay Night Out on K Road (possibly).

Patricia Gower? Trust us Paddy, it’s not the iPhone that makes you feel this way! Credit: NewSHUB.

And perhaps finally Mr(Mrs) Razumilov, the reason you were bombarded with Gay Mail is because that is what you will have been searching for and viewing on your device!

How is it that people still don’t get it that the ads that come up on your computer directly relate to what you have been searching for and viewing?

If you type ‘P’ into your address bar and it autofills with ‘Pornhub’ rather than ‘Pretty Poinsettias’, you will be bombarded with hundreds of ads trying to entice you into a loving relationship with a Russian bride, because your computer knows what you regularly look for. (To be fair, I have no idea what ads you will be enticed with if ‘Pretty Poinsettias’ is your go to search!)

Likewise, if you tend to inhabit the gayer sites on the interweb, you will be identified as someone who is, perhaps, a man who prefers the company of other men, and your unsolicited advertising will be suitably homo-erotic.

Still, some people just don’t know when to accept that they are on a hiding to nothing. One can only hope that the Russian court throws the case out and orders costs against the complainant.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the only ads I get are for car parts, lots of lovely V8’y car parts.