Love Island Australia is addictive and appealing for all the wrong reasons. A bunch of gorgeous, virile boys and girls draped over the designer indoor/outdoor furniture at a luxury villa with instructions to couple up or stay single and risk elimination.
No one wants to be sent home from such a glorious tropical holiday amidst beautiful people where tanned butt cheeks and copious tats and chats prevail.
The show is worth watching just for the background commentary including “talent is subjective but not necessarily guaranteed”. In fact, without the added commentary the show would be a complete bust.
Being a voyeur to the bed shuffling takes a back seat to the leprechaun commentator with the same Irish name as participant Eoghan. Cutie pie but no brains Jessie, already coupled with hunky man-boy Eoghan, reads aloud his name as “Ian” rather than “Owen”. The sexy pocket rocket has shared the same bed with this guy for the last few days but can’t read his name aloud correctly? But don’t worry, at this stage she’s not bothered about her gaffe and neither is he. As you would expect, it’s a fairly low bar in the Fijian villa.
This year the series produced a series first, a female coupling. Phoebe is having a chat with her partner Cassie when her hand keeps sneaking up to cover her mouth as she talks, her body language suggesting duplicity and a script designed to keep two beautiful women in play despite a shortage of man-boys.
Phoebe: “I definitely, like, came in here thinking I would couple with a boy. I don’t, like, label myself, so I don’t know what I am.”
Oh go on Phoebe, like, boobs and, like, a vagina are a clue. Anyways Phoebe, you have to stay open to exploring your hitherto unknown same sex tendencies ‘cause that’s what modern girls do.
Phoebe: “But whether you’re bisexual or lesbian or gay, like, you should be normal, you should be able to love whoever you want to love.”
Sure, and a bit later Phoebe talks herself into saying she has “definitely made the right decision in coupling up with Cassie” because “we just clicked.” But it’s no coincidence this first female coupling saved them both from the first elimination the previous night.
Da da da dum – enter the villa two gorgeous young Sydney hunks, very muscled up twins who throw a spanner in the works by making a beeline for Cassie who is sent out to meet them both on a date.
Plaintive Phoebe: “I’m really happy for her, but where does that leave me?”
Cassie’s enthusiasm for same sex coupling immediately disappears under the assault of a double burst of testosterone and, naturally, Phoebe is heartbroken (couldn’t have scripted it better myself).
Phoebe with the sad face: “Coming back from her date, she’s overly excited. Like, it’s hard to deal with that, you know?” Yep, must be hard dealing with the prospect of being evicted from Love Island by the “doppelgänger stranger danger” twins.
Of course, if Phoebe could manage a change of heart, there are now enough men-boys for two, but predictably she’s a bit slow off the mark. “I think I’ve just been completely manipulated in this whole situation” she whines. Ya think?
Phoebe: “What I did last night was a lot for me. Like, it wasn’t an easy thing to do considering, like, I’m coming out saying to my whole family who doesn’t know, on national television, like, yeah I’m like, attracted to girls.”
Eoghan the leprechaun aptly says Cassie is biodegradable because when confronted by Phoebe enquiring what happened to their “connection” Cassie breaks down crying, “I just don’t know what’s happening to me right now.”
Of course, we all know. It’s why we watch the show, to see the gorgeously stupid fall on their beautifully toned arses while we console ourselves that our acquired cunning and intelligence compensates for the loss of youth and attractiveness. Personally, I like a few brains to accompany my brawn, but if you can cope with the dearth of brains, and clothing, then give this show a whirl. Just when you think the bounds of credulity have been exceeded, it happens again!
At the talent show Anna recites the 50 American states in alphabetical order, Luke the twin was suitably impressed saying “She’s got a bit of brains there, so I was well impressed!” Matthew agreed: “Not just a pretty face, not just a pretty face – and big long legs!” Like I said, it’s a low bar. That same Matthew, disappointed by a lack of feminine response to his raunchy strip tease said: “I don’t know, maybe the girls didn’t find me as arousing as I found myself.” Honestly, you couldn’t make this stuff up.
Truth is, although none of us would swap places with these delightful possums in the headlights they are an entertaining diversion, which is all this programme is.
Mike Hosking criticised TV3 on their possible demise “…that ultimately is how the media works: you give people what they want and if you can do that, you can sell advertising around it, not just to pay the bills, but also make a profit.” The handful of people with the time and inclination to watch Love Island Australia will not keep TV3 in business and neither will their other diversions like the AM Show and The Block. Most people simply have more important things to do.