Good morning fellow right-wing nut-jobs.

I drop my fingers to the keyboard this morning to bring you news both frightening and exhilarating at the same time.

Following Monday’s petulant performance-tantrum on the streets of Wellington: By way of Stuff’s live updates, I was horrified to learn of what seemed like, some poor fellow losing his hand as a result of his own misdeeds…


Thank the Lord that on checking this morning, the report had been clarified, marinated in fact, by the inclusion of an amazing new fact: global warming has brought us expanding cars…


Note that the car expanded in the ‘heat’ “as the day warmed” (Wellington’s temperature ranged from 5.3 to a high of 14.8 yesterday). Crikey! How large will it get at a massive 16.0 degrees?

I’m naive. I must be. In my decades on this planet I’d never noticed expanding cars. Yet now it all seems so obvious…earlier this year I’d moved ours from the garage to the driveway prior to a barbecue session with the troops only to find that I struggled to move it back in nine hours later. My wife berated me, claiming at the time I’d been too long at the bottle, it having affected my navigational abilities, but now I realise that the car had expanded in the meantime and the garage was no longer fit for purpose!

I hope she’ll be suitably humbled for heaping humiliation on me when she learns of this new phenomenon caused by global warming. And as for claiming she wants the bigger model, I’ll just tell her she can wait until the old one warms up.


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Living in Wellington idbkiwi is self-employed in a non-governmental role which suits his masochistic tendencies. He watches very little television, preferring to read or research, but still subscribes to the daily paper despite his distillation of dismay and disappointment at the very low standards of the modern press on every opening of the awful rag. He is married, to an obviously very unfortunate woman, and has a family who allegedly loves him despite his right-wing nut-job views on life and the meaning of. He believes laughter is the best medicine for whatever ails you, closely, very closely, followed by wine. He hopes to reach retirement, both alive and eventually.