The Walrus & the Councillor

The sun was shining on Shelly Bay,
Shining with all its might:
Wellington’s famous wind did its very best to make 
The billows whirl and sparkle in the light 
But the lovely bay belies 
A nasty, ego-driven political and legal fight. 

The sea was wet as wet could be, 
The sands were dry as dry. 
Scattered clouds were overhead and on the land
A housing development has gone awry:
The sky is empty except for 
A private jet flying close by. 

An inordinately wealthy Walrus and a City Councillor 
Were walking close at hand; 
They wept like anything to see 
the concept drawings for Apartments that were planned 
"If this development was only made to go away” 
The Walrus said, “It would be grand!” 

A raft of brown-nosed penguins came ashore 
All eager for a treat 
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed 
Their Nikes were clean and neat 
And this was odd, because, you know 
Penguins usually wear nothing on their feet 

Miramar and Seatoun lovelies followed them,
And of PR trouts came four; 
Wellington’s glitterati not far behind 
And lawyers and consultants and many shysters more 
All hopping through the frothy waves, 
And sipping low-fat, chai lattes on the shore. 

The Walrus and the Councillor 
Slowly Walked on fifty metres or so,
And then they rested on a rock 
Conveniently low:
And all the sycophants stood 
And waited in a row. 

“If seven zero-hour contractors with seven chainsaws 
Carved a mighty totara for half a year 
“Do you suppose,” the Walrus said 
“A statue of me in Shelly Bay would be very dear?”
“If it’s life-size” the Councillor opined “The cost will be huge” 
And the Walrus shed a bitter tear 

“The time has come,” The Walrus said, 
“To talk of many a thing:
Of why my nose is out of joint 
And why the Mayor, iwi and developers won’t kiss my ring
Of arrogance and entitlement and keeping common people out 
And why I should be king”

“But wait a bit” the PR trouts did cry, 
“Before we have our chat;
We missed lunch and we’re peckish 
Can’t you see we’re fat?” 
“Me too” the Walrus said “let’s have a snack!” 
And they thanked him much for that 

“Some Big Macs and chocolate shakes” 
The Walrus said  “Would be divine 
Hash browns and French fries besides 
So tasty and oh so fine 
Make your orders, one and all 
And When Uber Eats arrives, we’ll dine!” 

While they waited the Walrus advised the throng 
“The developers must be stopped at any price” 
And he sadly looked about 
“Imagine the hoi polloi  living here, for them it’s far too nice 
Special housing areas, village green and trendy café’s be damned 
Serving the public interest is indulgent vice” 

“I’m going to wreck their plans” the Walrus said 
“With many a legal trick
I’ll cost them millions by 
Increasing their lawyers’ fees so quick!”
The Councillor said nothing but 
“This Big Mack is making me feel sick!” 

“I weep for you” the Walrus said 
“As a gourmandizer, I can deeply sympathize ” 
With sobs and tears he sorted out 
A fatty hash brown of the largest size.
While dabbing legal writs Across his streaming eyes 

“I’ll call the Mayor’s integrity into question” 
The Walrus said as he guzzled on a shake 
“A vicious, personalised attack 
Will make the developers really quake 
That this Soviet-era monstrosity has been approved 
Must mean the Mayor is on the take”

“The Council”  the Walrus said, 
“Is in the pocket of the developers, I’ll stop their pleasant run! 
I’ll ask questions of the Mayor” 
But of answers, came there none 
And this was scarcely odd, 
because The Mayor had had a gutsful of the precious one

Still, the Mayor counselled reconciliation 
And many placatory words were said 
But the Walrus would not relent, 
so The Mayor just shook his handsome head 
“Everything is legal and in accordance with the law” 
As the Walrus gobbled buttered bread. 

Licking his puffy lips the Walrus declaimed
“A new Mayor is what we chiefly need 
A Mayor in my pocket 
Would be very good indeed 
Now, if you’re ready, Councillor dear 
I’ll bankroll your mayoral campaign if we are agreed” 

“Oh joy!” the Councillor did cry 
Turning a little blue 
“What a kindness, that would be 
I’ve run for Mayor twice before but the votes I got were few” 
“I am Wellington’s favourite son” the Walrus said 
“With my endorsement, the voters will choose you” 

“What is your plan?” 
The Councillor timidly did ask 
“The politics of envy are what I’ll play” 
The Walrus said “I’ll spend millions on the task 
A little xenophobia will not go amiss 
And I’ll save the race card until the last” 

"It’s the perfect ploy," the Walrus said, 
"The voters are really thick 
After we've raised their fears 
They’ll vote for any dick" 
The Councillor said nothing but 
"Your plan is really slick” 

"O my darling devotees," said the Walrus 
"We’ve had a lot of fun! 
Shall we be trotting home again?" 
But of devotees now there were none 
And this was not surprising, because 
They’d seen the naked hubris and left, every single one

The Walrus began to graze upon the food that remained 
And hoovered-up the lot 
But alas he scoffed one Chicken McNugget too many 
Which made his gastric band go pop 
And he vomited a shower of bile and venom right across the bay
Lovely it was not. 

The sun is still shining on Shelly Bay 
Now home sweet home to many 
The Walrus and the Councillor sent packing by electors 
Not impressed they’d spent a pretty penny 
Common sense, the rule of law and iwi rights prevailed 
The Walrus despite his millions had completely failed 

* Sincerest apologies to Lewis Carroll whose work this satirical poem was based on.